Self Analysys

I've been looking at myself lately, and I've gotta say I'm not really happy with the person I've been seeing. On one hand It's regular Jamal, and on the other it's this ugly, bitter, mean person that has been trying to take over. For those of you that I speak with on the regular (or if you follow my tweets) you have seen a lot of the ugly side here lately. I have been going through MANY issues with my roommate, but i have not been dealing with them they way I should. As a man, I should be able to stand up and speak on things that I don't feel are working, but that's not what I have been doing.

It is human nature to get angry about something and want others to feel angry about that same thing with you. That is what I've been doing. Instead of stopping, praying for strength to talk to my out of line roommate, I have been out of line fussing and cussing to friends and twitter about every small thing that this man does. The things he does ARE pretty bad and disrespectful, but they wouldn't be as bad if i didn't harbor these frustrations up and allow my bitterness to be boosted by others. I came to a realization last night after sending a bitter text to a friend about my situation. Negativity is draining, it is very hard to remain angry at someone for extended periods of time. It is also unfair to take your frustrations and dump them on someone that is probably having a good day. Just think, you are having a wonderful day with friends and you get at text message saying "This damn roommate of mine is getting on my NERVES" You will look and try to make the friend feel better as he/she continues to whine and rant about their issue which brings the other person down. You need friends, but a friend should NOT have to carry all the frustrations that you have. It is just not fair!

I want the other Jamal back. The one that lets small things roll off his back and looks at the good qualities in people. This ugly mug I have had as of late.... NOT GONNA GET IT. So my friends, I thank you for being there for me in my many MANY bitching....I mean ranting sessions, but from now on tell me to STFU and move on. If I can't deal with the problem i don't need to drop a load of negativity on you as well. Life is to short to dwell on things that make you angry....now I just need to go and talk to this roommate of mine HAHA

Much love to you all and God Bless

Jamal

Kindness for Weakness

It's time out for this BS. I don't like confrontation but I also don't like being run over. I have 8am class every day and I try to go to bed by about 12. I actually went to bed right at 12 last night BUT my roommate and his friend decided to be up until ummmm 3am so I couldn't get to sleep until they did... As I was in bed, I sat thinking, "do you understand what sleep is?" and got progressively more angry by the minute. I picked up my mp3 player and tried to listen to some music but could still hear them. Did I mention I am missing my 8am class right now because I woke up late? Hummm... I wonder why! I never said anything to my roomie but i have to because this makes no sense. I'm a light sleeper and these walls are paper thin. Ok, i'm done ranting. Enjoy your day peeps!

"Treat yourself better"

When I look at myself in the mirror I used to see a happy guy that loves his friends and loves himself. Not saying that I don't love myself, because I do. But lately I have been noticing a few things. I am a friend that will build you up when you are down and try to get you through the hard times. I'm the friend that has the shoulder to cry on, the friend to vent to, the friend that listens. I do all these things for my friends and I will not stop. There are times in everyone's lives where you need the help and support of your friends.

Now here is where things have been off. I do these things for people, but when I need help I seem to push people away and go inside my little bubble. I don't understand why I do this to myself. As you know, I have been going through a lot of family stuff since the start of the new year. I have reached out for help BUT I don't allow others to be the friend that I am to them. It took me talking to my friend Jirod (who has pretty much been an umbrella through my current storm) to see how much I downplay myself. I'd tell him something that's going on with the fam and he would be there to pray and help build me back up. I allow it for a while then what do I do? I apologize for bringing my stress into his life and tell him not to worry about me.

Another thing I've noticed is the fact that I don't accept compliments well. Someone could tell me " I think you are a great singer." and I'll downplay it and say something like "Oh I'm not that good, i messed up that one note" I can never just say thank you and be boosted up. Why do i do this to myself? I just don't understand this!

Why can't I just allow others to be the good friend that I try to be to them? Like I said, EVERYONE needs to be built up sometimes. I do believe I'm part of that everyone, but for some reason in the mind of Jamal, my problems are not important to anyone else. I need to stop the nonsense and just start treating myself better. I need to share some of my love with myself! Crazy thought huh.

Jamal

This semester is taking it's toll...

I don't have much to say tonight, but goodness I'm so tired. This semester has been kicking my butt and it's only week 3. What makes this semester so hard is the fact that its getting close to the end, and I know that I have no choice but to get it done, AND the fact that there is so much going on at home right about now. With the prayer and support of friends, I have been making it through. thanks for that, and keep the prayers a coming! More posts soon. Take it easy peeps

Jamal