Monday, March 22, 2010

I'm at home!!!

I'm sitting here in the art building at my school with 2 of my friends. She's painting, and my other friend is writing poetry. These are my people, the people that I have been looking for all this time. Since I have been in college, I have had different friends, and groups of people that I hung with, but THESE people bring out the creativity in me. I have had a little creative spirit deep within that has been trampled by all this music theory and classical music. Not that I don't like classical music, because I do. BUT i've reached the point of saturation. I have absorbed so much classical that I kind of feel like my soul is being lost (not religious of course) I have not sung gospel, or much R&B or anything for the longest time. Being around these people I think is part of the "Awakening" that I spoke about in my last post. And I LOVE IT. We are here in the studio listening to Wale, Common, you know people like that. The creativity is flowing and i'm loving it. I think we are going to hit up a poetry spot on Thursday night. Never been to something like it but I REALLY want to go. It should be fun. I hope to awaken the inner poet within. I've felt the high of putting what you feel into words, and I don't want to stop. Who knows, this writing might even lead to me writing music *GASP* Who knows what the future holds? Only God knows. Thanks for listening as always, now I'm going to take in more of this beautiful creativity before I head back to my leach that is classical music...


Sunday, March 21, 2010


I don't know what's been happening with me here lately. I know those words have been typed on this blog before, but this time it's in a good way. I'm still working on the angry bitter bs lol. Anyway, I have been seeing some changes in myself here lately that i never thought i had in me. I have never been one too keen on writing. I mean, for class i would write an essay, bs my way through by lots and lots of pointless elaboration. But for me to just sit down and pour my heart into words, that has never happened.

It started with that freaking poem. OH that poem. I have no idea where the words came from, or why I decided to write a poem anyway. I don't know, but it felt good. I liked writing about what it felt. It in a sense, brought my words to life, released from his cell within to allow more things inside.

And then the 2 count your blessings blogs. I don't know where the first came from. I guess it's just my way of telling myself to stop being petty and grow the hell up. But it's so true, the things i find myself complaining about are often times petty. So it was right on time, and by me expressing those words, I was able to help one of my good friends in a situation he has been going through.

And now of course my last post was another direct emotional out pour, but of a different type this time. No matter the mood, they are all heart felt words that were being said by me.

I don't understand where all of these words have been coming from. Yes, we all have stuff to say, but here lately hey have had a true meaning. These words came to me today "I am a work of art created by God, but this sculpture is far from completion. Continue to work on the blemishes in me God" Why did they pop in my head? I dunno, but they were right on time. It's true I am a wonderful creation of God as we all are. BUT we all have our issues that we need to work on. We can't fix these things on our own, so we need out creator to help us through them. I needed to hear it, and maybe someone else did.

I've never met this more philosophical, Jamal, but he ain't half bad. I hope to keep writing, be it in blog or poem. I like the person that is emerging.

Thanks for listening, and thanks for being part of this awakening.


Friday, March 19, 2010

Count Your Blessings : Part 2

I'm just getting back from the hospital from seeing my grandpa. He just had surgery to get rid of colon cancer. The surgery went well, and I'm happy about that. Thank God for the doctor's steady hands and that the surgery was a success. But while in that hospital room, I saw just how helpless my grandfather is.

I remember going down to Mexia Texas every summer to stay with my grandparents. We would go down there to the country and go fish, feed his cows, tend to his fields and gardens. SOO MUCH. My grandfather was a very strong, loud, fun person to be around. I miss those days, the times we spent. The laughs, the scary times in their old "haunted" house haha. Those memories are what make me smile.

My grandfather has been through many surgeries since then. He had cancer before, I don't remember which, but he did have cancer before. He was strong and fought through it because that's just who he is. Another big thing that happened was when he was working in the field alone one day about 10 years ago, he was in a tractor accident, the tractor rolled over his legs. He has since had both of them amputated.

Here recently was the colon cancer thing and the beginning signs of Alzheimer's. Even knowing all of these things have happened to my grandfather, I have always seen him as the same person. The big strong guy that could do anything on his own. Who cares if he was walking on artificial legs or in a wheel chair, he could still do anything!! Well, tonight at the hospital reality struck.

It first set in when me and my dad went to help my granny get the stuff out of the car. We loaded his wheel chair with things to wheel in, the last things to grab in the truck were his artificial legs... I carried those in. It never hit me even though I have seen him without his legs on. But just to be walking through the hospital holding his artificial legs I thought "My grandpa can't walk on his own legs..." Later in the room he was trying to move and reposition himself in his bed, but he couldn't. He could not do it alone. He had to ask for help from my granny just to change position in bed. At their home, there is a pole he can reach up to and use his arms to re-position. He kept reaching for it and realizing it was not there. Seeing my paw paw like this hurt me almost to the point of tears. I wondered "Where is the paw paw I used to go visit?" "Why did all this have to happen to him" "I WANT MY PAW PAW BACK" It really hurts to see, but in all that he has lost and he can no longer do, there is something that God gave him a long time ago that has never left his side. His wife.

My granny has been there, taking care of him since I can remember. She is such a kind, loving, compassionate person. I love her so much. She is the type that will work herself into the ground to make sure everyone else is taken care of. We often get mad at her for doing that to herself, but that's who she is. But seeing her in there tonight taking care of my paw paw put a little smile on my face. To see such love after so many years. I want that, and I know God will provide one day...ONE day haha. It's just great to know that my grandpa has my granny there by his side to take care of him through it all. To be honest, even when he was in tip top shape, I don't think he would have been as strong without her there =) don't tell him I said that lol.

Wow, this is getting long, but I just had so much to say. Though I hate seeing my paw paw in this state, I still have him. I know plenty of people that can't say that. I feel guilty that as I have gotten older, have kind of lost touch. I don't get to see my grandparents as much, and most of the time I don't even think to call. That is so selfish of me to do. I still have all of my grandparents, though I can see their former selves from my childhood memories fading, I still have them. and

For that I am blessed.

Tell the ones closest to you that you love them. Spend time with your family. If you still have your grandparents, don't throw them on the back burner. Cherish them while they are still around. Because you never know when God will call them home.

I love you Arbra Lewis Echols. I see you today, but no matter what I see, I will always remember the good times from my childhood. I hope to make you proud. Stay strong and I'll call you more =)


Thursday, March 18, 2010

Count Your Blessings

As I sit here on a lazy Thursday afternoon, my mind is kind of racing. As you have seen in prior posts, this year I have been quite bitter, and trying to work on a better me. What's been in my mind today is the fact that we should all count our blessings.

I wake up some days mad at the world, not wanting to get out of bed and complaining about going to an 8am class. But you know, there are some people that didn't wake up from their slumber the night before. There are some that though they have woken up, they can't get up , they can't take care of themselves. They can't afford to go to school to be mad about an 8am class. Just the simple act of opening your eyes in the morning is a blessing in its self.

For that I am blessed!

I complain about being home and having to do chores even though I didn't mess up anything. Some people don't have a home or a loving family to go home to. I have been blessed with 2 amazing, God fearing parents that have been married for 25 years strong! In the world now, alot of people can't say that. These parents do so much for me and my brother and have modeled what true love is between a husband and wife, yet I complain about washing dishes. I love my parents and the beautiful home they have sacrificed so much in order to provide.

For that I am blessed!

From time to time, I find myself complaining about the little things that people do to annoy me, especially the roommate!! haha. But you know, these things are petty. As annoying as my roomie can be, he is really not a bad guy at all. We just have some cultural differences, that's all. I need to start to focus more on the positive people in my life. Those shoulders that I cry on, those people that make me smile and laugh, those people that every time I see or hear from them I get happy. Not everyone has amazing friends in their lives. Ones that are there for you no matter what, but I do.

For that I am blessed!

I guess I'm trying to grow up and grow closer to God. In this process the little petty things are starting to matter less and less. I'm learning this lesson and trying to share it with anyone that may need to hear it. Don't focus on the petty, negative things in life. Focus on the positive uplifting things. Live each day with a kind spirit, not a bitter demon. Even when things seem like they are at their worst, just sit back and think of the things that you have that others may not. Then you too can say.

For that I am blessed!


Thursday, March 4, 2010

Raw Emotion

I don't know what's going on with me, I'm feelin you but are you feelin me?
Don't know how this came to be, but I can't help but wonder: Is this meant to be?
Sometimes as I sit, I think of you wondering if you are thinking of me too.
Cuz if I'm also on your mind, maybe one day I could call you mine.

I want to tell you how I really feel, but then I wonder: how will she deal?
Will she feel the way I feel or just leave me feeling ill.
I guess what I'm saying is that I fear rejection, that's why I've built this wall of protection.
Protection for my heart, a door with no key, but just maybe...maybe your could forge that key.
You could be the one to free my heart, the one to help give me that jump start.
Because the hardest part in the game of the heart is usually start.

If I could just get the courage to say, that seeing you usually brightens my day.
I love your smile the way you wear you hair, the way that sometimes you just don't care.
Maybe you would say you feel the same way.
I just don't know what I should do, I've liked a few, but never one like you.

So I guess I'm typing here today to let out some things that are just hard to say.
A way to get my emotions from behind this wall. You have the key to make it fall.
All I've got to do is let you know as I'm sure my actions CLEARLY show.
But I've talked enough so now I'm done, But like Mr.3000 "I hope that you're the one"