Count Your Blessings : Part 2

I'm just getting back from the hospital from seeing my grandpa. He just had surgery to get rid of colon cancer. The surgery went well, and I'm happy about that. Thank God for the doctor's steady hands and that the surgery was a success. But while in that hospital room, I saw just how helpless my grandfather is.

I remember going down to Mexia Texas every summer to stay with my grandparents. We would go down there to the country and go fish, feed his cows, tend to his fields and gardens. SOO MUCH. My grandfather was a very strong, loud, fun person to be around. I miss those days, the times we spent. The laughs, the scary times in their old "haunted" house haha. Those memories are what make me smile.

My grandfather has been through many surgeries since then. He had cancer before, I don't remember which, but he did have cancer before. He was strong and fought through it because that's just who he is. Another big thing that happened was when he was working in the field alone one day about 10 years ago, he was in a tractor accident, the tractor rolled over his legs. He has since had both of them amputated.

Here recently was the colon cancer thing and the beginning signs of Alzheimer's. Even knowing all of these things have happened to my grandfather, I have always seen him as the same person. The big strong guy that could do anything on his own. Who cares if he was walking on artificial legs or in a wheel chair, he could still do anything!! Well, tonight at the hospital reality struck.

It first set in when me and my dad went to help my granny get the stuff out of the car. We loaded his wheel chair with things to wheel in, the last things to grab in the truck were his artificial legs... I carried those in. It never hit me even though I have seen him without his legs on. But just to be walking through the hospital holding his artificial legs I thought "My grandpa can't walk on his own legs..." Later in the room he was trying to move and reposition himself in his bed, but he couldn't. He could not do it alone. He had to ask for help from my granny just to change position in bed. At their home, there is a pole he can reach up to and use his arms to re-position. He kept reaching for it and realizing it was not there. Seeing my paw paw like this hurt me almost to the point of tears. I wondered "Where is the paw paw I used to go visit?" "Why did all this have to happen to him" "I WANT MY PAW PAW BACK" It really hurts to see, but in all that he has lost and he can no longer do, there is something that God gave him a long time ago that has never left his side. His wife.

My granny has been there, taking care of him since I can remember. She is such a kind, loving, compassionate person. I love her so much. She is the type that will work herself into the ground to make sure everyone else is taken care of. We often get mad at her for doing that to herself, but that's who she is. But seeing her in there tonight taking care of my paw paw put a little smile on my face. To see such love after so many years. I want that, and I know God will provide one day...ONE day haha. It's just great to know that my grandpa has my granny there by his side to take care of him through it all. To be honest, even when he was in tip top shape, I don't think he would have been as strong without her there =) don't tell him I said that lol.

Wow, this is getting long, but I just had so much to say. Though I hate seeing my paw paw in this state, I still have him. I know plenty of people that can't say that. I feel guilty that as I have gotten older, have kind of lost touch. I don't get to see my grandparents as much, and most of the time I don't even think to call. That is so selfish of me to do. I still have all of my grandparents, though I can see their former selves from my childhood memories fading, I still have them. and

For that I am blessed.

Tell the ones closest to you that you love them. Spend time with your family. If you still have your grandparents, don't throw them on the back burner. Cherish them while they are still around. Because you never know when God will call them home.

I love you Arbra Lewis Echols. I see you today, but no matter what I see, I will always remember the good times from my childhood. I hope to make you proud. Stay strong and I'll call you more =)

Jamal

Count Your Blessings

As I sit here on a lazy Thursday afternoon, my mind is kind of racing. As you have seen in prior posts, this year I have been quite bitter, and trying to work on a better me. What's been in my mind today is the fact that we should all count our blessings.

I wake up some days mad at the world, not wanting to get out of bed and complaining about going to an 8am class. But you know, there are some people that didn't wake up from their slumber the night before. There are some that though they have woken up, they can't get up , they can't take care of themselves. They can't afford to go to school to be mad about an 8am class. Just the simple act of opening your eyes in the morning is a blessing in its self.

For that I am blessed!

I complain about being home and having to do chores even though I didn't mess up anything. Some people don't have a home or a loving family to go home to. I have been blessed with 2 amazing, God fearing parents that have been married for 25 years strong! In the world now, alot of people can't say that. These parents do so much for me and my brother and have modeled what true love is between a husband and wife, yet I complain about washing dishes. I love my parents and the beautiful home they have sacrificed so much in order to provide.

For that I am blessed!

From time to time, I find myself complaining about the little things that people do to annoy me, especially the roommate!! haha. But you know, these things are petty. As annoying as my roomie can be, he is really not a bad guy at all. We just have some cultural differences, that's all. I need to start to focus more on the positive people in my life. Those shoulders that I cry on, those people that make me smile and laugh, those people that every time I see or hear from them I get happy. Not everyone has amazing friends in their lives. Ones that are there for you no matter what, but I do.

For that I am blessed!

I guess I'm trying to grow up and grow closer to God. In this process the little petty things are starting to matter less and less. I'm learning this lesson and trying to share it with anyone that may need to hear it. Don't focus on the petty, negative things in life. Focus on the positive uplifting things. Live each day with a kind spirit, not a bitter demon. Even when things seem like they are at their worst, just sit back and think of the things that you have that others may not. Then you too can say.

For that I am blessed!

Jamal

Raw Emotion

I don't know what's going on with me, I'm feelin you but are you feelin me?
Don't know how this came to be, but I can't help but wonder: Is this meant to be?
Sometimes as I sit, I think of you wondering if you are thinking of me too.
Cuz if I'm also on your mind, maybe one day I could call you mine.

I want to tell you how I really feel, but then I wonder: how will she deal?
Will she feel the way I feel or just leave me feeling ill.
I guess what I'm saying is that I fear rejection, that's why I've built this wall of protection.
Protection for my heart, a door with no key, but just maybe...maybe your could forge that key.
You could be the one to free my heart, the one to help give me that jump start.
Because the hardest part in the game of the heart is usually start.

If I could just get the courage to say, that seeing you usually brightens my day.
I love your smile the way you wear you hair, the way that sometimes you just don't care.
Maybe you would say you feel the same way.
I just don't know what I should do, I've liked a few, but never one like you.

So I guess I'm typing here today to let out some things that are just hard to say.
A way to get my emotions from behind this wall. You have the key to make it fall.
All I've got to do is let you know as I'm sure my actions CLEARLY show.
But I've talked enough so now I'm done, But like Mr.3000 "I hope that you're the one"

~Jamal~

Self Analysys

I've been looking at myself lately, and I've gotta say I'm not really happy with the person I've been seeing. On one hand It's regular Jamal, and on the other it's this ugly, bitter, mean person that has been trying to take over. For those of you that I speak with on the regular (or if you follow my tweets) you have seen a lot of the ugly side here lately. I have been going through MANY issues with my roommate, but i have not been dealing with them they way I should. As a man, I should be able to stand up and speak on things that I don't feel are working, but that's not what I have been doing.

It is human nature to get angry about something and want others to feel angry about that same thing with you. That is what I've been doing. Instead of stopping, praying for strength to talk to my out of line roommate, I have been out of line fussing and cussing to friends and twitter about every small thing that this man does. The things he does ARE pretty bad and disrespectful, but they wouldn't be as bad if i didn't harbor these frustrations up and allow my bitterness to be boosted by others. I came to a realization last night after sending a bitter text to a friend about my situation. Negativity is draining, it is very hard to remain angry at someone for extended periods of time. It is also unfair to take your frustrations and dump them on someone that is probably having a good day. Just think, you are having a wonderful day with friends and you get at text message saying "This damn roommate of mine is getting on my NERVES" You will look and try to make the friend feel better as he/she continues to whine and rant about their issue which brings the other person down. You need friends, but a friend should NOT have to carry all the frustrations that you have. It is just not fair!

I want the other Jamal back. The one that lets small things roll off his back and looks at the good qualities in people. This ugly mug I have had as of late.... NOT GONNA GET IT. So my friends, I thank you for being there for me in my many MANY bitching....I mean ranting sessions, but from now on tell me to STFU and move on. If I can't deal with the problem i don't need to drop a load of negativity on you as well. Life is to short to dwell on things that make you angry....now I just need to go and talk to this roommate of mine HAHA

Much love to you all and God Bless

Jamal

Kindness for Weakness

It's time out for this BS. I don't like confrontation but I also don't like being run over. I have 8am class every day and I try to go to bed by about 12. I actually went to bed right at 12 last night BUT my roommate and his friend decided to be up until ummmm 3am so I couldn't get to sleep until they did... As I was in bed, I sat thinking, "do you understand what sleep is?" and got progressively more angry by the minute. I picked up my mp3 player and tried to listen to some music but could still hear them. Did I mention I am missing my 8am class right now because I woke up late? Hummm... I wonder why! I never said anything to my roomie but i have to because this makes no sense. I'm a light sleeper and these walls are paper thin. Ok, i'm done ranting. Enjoy your day peeps!

"Treat yourself better"

When I look at myself in the mirror I used to see a happy guy that loves his friends and loves himself. Not saying that I don't love myself, because I do. But lately I have been noticing a few things. I am a friend that will build you up when you are down and try to get you through the hard times. I'm the friend that has the shoulder to cry on, the friend to vent to, the friend that listens. I do all these things for my friends and I will not stop. There are times in everyone's lives where you need the help and support of your friends.

Now here is where things have been off. I do these things for people, but when I need help I seem to push people away and go inside my little bubble. I don't understand why I do this to myself. As you know, I have been going through a lot of family stuff since the start of the new year. I have reached out for help BUT I don't allow others to be the friend that I am to them. It took me talking to my friend Jirod (who has pretty much been an umbrella through my current storm) to see how much I downplay myself. I'd tell him something that's going on with the fam and he would be there to pray and help build me back up. I allow it for a while then what do I do? I apologize for bringing my stress into his life and tell him not to worry about me.

Another thing I've noticed is the fact that I don't accept compliments well. Someone could tell me " I think you are a great singer." and I'll downplay it and say something like "Oh I'm not that good, i messed up that one note" I can never just say thank you and be boosted up. Why do i do this to myself? I just don't understand this!

Why can't I just allow others to be the good friend that I try to be to them? Like I said, EVERYONE needs to be built up sometimes. I do believe I'm part of that everyone, but for some reason in the mind of Jamal, my problems are not important to anyone else. I need to stop the nonsense and just start treating myself better. I need to share some of my love with myself! Crazy thought huh.

Jamal

This semester is taking it's toll...

I don't have much to say tonight, but goodness I'm so tired. This semester has been kicking my butt and it's only week 3. What makes this semester so hard is the fact that its getting close to the end, and I know that I have no choice but to get it done, AND the fact that there is so much going on at home right about now. With the prayer and support of friends, I have been making it through. thanks for that, and keep the prayers a coming! More posts soon. Take it easy peeps

Jamal